My heart physically aches for my boy tonight. It is unbelievable what grief does physically to the body. One moment I will feel fine, happy even. But then the slightest thing will happen or I will see one tiny little detail in something, and I’m hit like a wave with this unbearable weight. Like someone has thrown a brick at my heart. I lose my breath for just a second and my mind is taken back to those moments in that hospital room…
The silence of the monitor. Those words, and then the lack thereof because no one knew what to say. The feeling of panic and throwing up. Telling the nurse “please done leave me” as I waited for Matthew to get there. The tears. Feeling numb. Being so surrounded by love but feeling so alone. Writing the Facebook post about what had happened. The ache of my entire body. “I feel like there is a lead blanket on top of me.” Going home, empty handed. Telling Brooklyn that her brother was with Jesus.
Trying to live every moment after those moments has been torture. Have I found joy since then, yes, some. But it still hurts. It physically hurts to miss someone so much. To wonder about what life would’ve been like. To see others around me enjoying their newborn babies. To hear the pregnancy announcements and watch growing bellies everywhere. Some days it’s bearable, others its not.
Time is going so slowly and so quickly at the same time. It feels like yesterday, but I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. I can’t explain it, really. Life is so different. There are now two main parts of my life. Before Bennett and now. I cherish the time he was with me. I am thankful for it. But I am greedy because I wish so badly that there was more. I wish we had been given more time. I wish that I had seen him take a breath and open his eyes. I wish that I had dressed him. And taken more pictures. And spent more time holding him.
I just wish and wonder so many things about what should’ve been. And it hurts to think I may never know and that I can’t go back….
Counting the Stars 